at 1.34am on tuesday, october 4th, 2011, i received one of the most heartbreaking and earth-shattering text message i ever could have received. a friend who means the world to me texted me to say that she had been raped. and she was serious. before this, i thought (as im sure many of you do) that rape was bad. i thought it was terrible and repulsive. but so removed from it that i couldnt really feel the sting of it. i had just a head knowledge. but when i heard that it had happened to a really close friend, it was then that i truly began to understand how horrific it really is. i got a taste of heart knowledge. it was then that my world as i knew it changed instantly.
from 1.45-3am, i dont remember things i said/thought, or what i did. i was shocked. i was hurting for her. i was hating him. i was disgusted with the depth of his depravity. i was scared. i have never felt so heartbroken in my entire life - not even when the second greatest man to have ever lived died a few years ago (my great-uncle gene...when he died, i was absolutely certain of where he was, and that was a place of no more pain and tears). i completely lost my mind. it was then that something completely unfamiliar to me happened. something called a panic attack. never before had this beast bitten me. never again do i want it to. i couldnt feel my hands. i couldnt flex and unflex them. i was freezing. sweating. i grabbed my comforter and wrapped it around me. i was shaking. i was crying semi-uncontrollably. i couldnt breathe. i lost coherence. i felt useless. worthless. knowing i had to do something but unable to do it. knowing at that moment was when i was needed most but was incapable of doing what was necessary. knowing i was alone. knowing that regardless of my goodwill and intentions, when crunch time came, i was powerless to help. i even tried to get my things together and drive to go be with her. but i found that i physically couldnt - even if i could have gotten to the car, i couldnt use my hands, and my vision/mental clarity were nowhere near good enough to drive for the 12-13 hours. and that hurt too. that she was hurting and all i could do was sit and freak out. i tried to be awake and coherent all night so that i could get her next text and figure out how to help. i figured that was the least i could do. but i slipped into the nether realm of unconsciousness sometime after 3. i woke up in the fetal position the next morning.
the next day i couldnt feel anything. just a profound sense of emptiness. i hadnt heard from her, but i knew she had to be hurting. i wanted to still be able to cry, i wanted to still hate him, but i felt so far removed that i couldnt. i just went through the motions of the day. i ate a little. i sat around alot. i was in a mental fog. i prayed harder than i had ever prayed in my entire life. and you know what? i didnt feel any better. this magical charm of prayer that was supposed to give me some "Spirit shivers" or "Biblical buzz" didnt. i felt the same after as before. like God had let me down. like prayer was worthless. that God didnt really care. that He must be cruel. but i was treating it all wrong. i was looking at this from my perspective, and looking at prayer like it was indeed a charm - not the 24hr helpline that it is. i was assuming that my feelings dictated the true state of things. i was focusing on my own perspective instead of thinking about the big picture. just because i didnt "feel" different didnt mean God wasnt working. and i had the opportunity to see that later on.
on tuesday night, i got to talk to my friend. i got to hear how she was doing. i cried again as she told me more of the situation. i sat there not really knowing how to help other than to listen. but i also learned of the intense strength and willpower this girl has. she not only had the strength to tell someone about it, but she is fighting through this and even went to class that night! after spending the entire morning at the hospital! and the police station! she was carrying on with life. her spirit isnt broken. i knew she was strong. but that strong? how amazing is that? clearly her strength isnt from herself. i was able to see that remarkable character that can only be revealed through trials. i dont know that God showed me that because of my prayers, but quite frankly, i dont care. the fact is, He did it. and she's surrounded by people who already loved her, but now she can see that even more clearly.
so the point is, who cares if you see immediate results? and who cares how *you* feel in a situation? just because we feel like horsepoo or that we're totally alone doesnt mean we are! and who are we to underestimate the strength drawn from God? essentially thats like saying "God, i trust you, and i know you can bring me through anything and everything...and You have all power...and that you control everything...but i still need my own strength...because there are things you cant handle"...um...hello?!?! how does that make sense? why is it that we can trust God in the good times, but flounder helplessly in the tough times? i find it odd and slightly ironic that we as Christians are always talking about trusting God in the storms and battles, but at the first sign of trouble, we question Him! why is it that we cant practice what we preach?
in case you were wondering, yes it does still hurt. it hurts alot. this is the worst pain ive ever had to deal with thus far. i am in no way saying that just through prayer all your pain can be taken away or numbed. im simply saying that it connects you to the source of strength. the One who felt more than we could ever possibly feel. yet still stuck through it.
tough times. the times we should run TO God. but the times we automatically run AWAY from God.
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