remembrance

so this blog post isnt gonna be funny. but should still be written.

on today, 11/11/11, i stop to remember those who have bravely fought for our country - who defend the ideals we as stupid, lazy, greedy americans take for granted; who put their lives on the line for something they believe in. i am grateful with an almost guilty gratitude for those who have given the ultimate sacrifice; prayerful for the families of those military who don't return. to every veteran who has served our country - regardless of tour length, regardless of duty, i wholeheartedly thank you for your service!

today also marks the 3 year anniversary of my great-uncle gene's death. as a veteran, it's rather fitting that veterans day should fall on a day we remember him. uncle gene was the epitome of being a man. society has definitely mangled that word, so i guess you could call him an "old school" man - which is the best kind of man to be! he was open, honest, genuine, kind, strong but gentle, caring, thoughtful, handy with tools, rode a motorcycle, treated his wife and children with respect and dignity, enjoyed the outdoors, etc. i could continue naming things all day, but i think you're starting to get the picture. he was strong physically and had an even stronger spirit. never do i remember hearing him raise his voice when i was around, but at the same time, you knew just by being around him that he wouldn't put up with nonsense and if he asked you to do something, there was a good reason for it. he knew his duties as a pastor, father, chaplain, and husband and didn't shy away from those duties. it's really difficult to describe unless you've met him, but he made it seem like you mattered; if you were speaking, he was listening - not just hearing, but listening. like you were worth his time. he always always looked you in the eye, and you always knew you had him as a friend and confidant in him - no matter you background, status, political affiliation, gender, race, ethnicity, etc. he had your back. end of story. when he told stories, you knew they were going to be good. if there was only one man i could model my life after (besides Jesus), it would be him. he was the kind of man that could make anybody feel welcomed and appreciated; and he was always there for you - no matter what. and the vast majority of his time was spent serving his community and family - he was pastor of two churches AND the chaplain for the fire department.

so i think this is about the best i can describe him to you...so im gonna leave it at this, but remember to remember those veterans who have served us, and if you get the chance, pray for that side of my family.

no good deed

("not funny post" alert...if youd like to see something funny, you can read the previous post...or go to homestarrunner.com)

today is one of those days that i feel like elpheba. she tried to fix stuff, tried to make things right, tried to be helpful...but it backfired.

please tell me youve at least heard of wicked. no? shame on you! well, its a prequel to the wizard of oz, about the wicked witch of the west (elpheba) and why she is wicked, why she is green, and why society is stupid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4I8pneJkxBY

"my road of good intentions led where such roads always lead...no good deed goes unpunished!"

her simple attempt to fix a problem ended in disaster. every time she jumped into a situation and tried to help, the person she tried to help ended up either hating her or at least not wanting her anymore. she tries to fit in with society, tries to do well and do as she's told, but ends up in exile BECAUSE of her actions.

"One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention:
Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all good deeds are
When looked at with an ice-cold eye?
If that's all good deeds are
Maybe that's the reason why

No good deed goes unpunished
All helpful urges should be circumvented
No good deed goes unpunished
Sure, I meant well -
Well, look at what well-meant did:"

like really. look at what well-meant did! you now have a cowardly lion, a man made out of tin, a scarecrow, and flying monkeys. seriously! just because she loved some people and wanted to help them! no matter her intentions, no matter how much she cared, her attempts fell. failed. died trying. and who's to say that the ice-cold eye of observation isnt correct? should we even try to go with society and its norms? should we try to fix difficult problems? should we reach out to others?

are all good actions actually just seeking attention? looking back at my own actions, i start to question them, too. i still feel like i meant well, and wasnt looking for attention. but am i jaded by my own emotions? am i fooling myself? is there a chance that i was just looking for and enjoying the attention? in her case, she wanted conflict resolution, but ended up with attention - lots of negative attention!

so what's the deal? do we try to extend beyond our personal bubbles and reach into society? or should we be professional navel-gazers? how do we evaluate what our motivations really are? can we change those motivations? how do we make an impact if we dont act?

bbaagghh!!

just fyi, no, im not depressed. just slightly moody. and thoughtful. maybe you are too. i doubt this is the end of this post, but its all ive got for now. so maybe ngd pt2 will come later.

today's the day...

so today is the day for alot of things...

its the day for me to have slept straight through my chem class. halfway on purpose...because im a loser.

its the day that my friend has her first trial to sort through this messy situation. its gonna be really long and emotionally draining for her...its also the day that im most thankful for her good friend, who will be there to comfort and support her today

its the day i have to clean the bathroom. surprisingly, its not too bad! but its been about 2 weeks-ish, so its time. but i will not remove waluigi from the mirror! he only appears when you take a hot shower to fog up the mirror...and then he's like "WAGH!" in fact, it actually says that! (all props for this bit of awesomeness go to roger...because he drew him on there)

its the day i have to do some homework. apparently PE is more life-invasive than we had originally feared. for this 2 credit hour class, we have twice as much homework as my 3 credit classes. twice as much! last lame assignment was a "spiritual" wellness reflection - i did a howling mad murdoch and thought of white paper and called that meditation :) if you have no idea what im talking about, shame on you! you should watch that episode of the a-team here: http://www.hulu.com/watch/59960/the-a-team-the-road-to-hope and this time its an emotional wellness reflection...which is way dumb.

today is hopefully the day that jason and i can beat the next level of x-men! i have the sega genesis and original x-men game, which is waaaay hard! and because its form the classic era of games, theres no save option...so we have to either play through the early levels or gambit jump through them. either way, we're gonna get some good playtime in today!

today is the day that i clean my room. see, there are some awesome people coming next week (my grandparents) and it would be way lame for it to look gross.

and today is the day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_mKZpf3gPg&ob=av2n

tired

soo...yesterday was PE class. and i wouldnt have thought a PE class would be hard, but this one definitely is. heres how the first few weeks went: weeks 1-3, running 1/2, 3/4, and 1 mile; weeks 4-5, fitness testing...which was a 1.5 mile run, max pushup, max sit-up, max bench press; weeks 6-now, circuit training...so needless to say it's been fairly intense!

for circuit he has us on a 6-station rotation of 5 minutes each of cardio, shoulders, back, biceps/triceps, legs, and abs. so up to this point i had been doing (dont laugh at my numbers):

10 rep 95lb bench press, following the down 4, up 2 rule

10 rep 45lb sitting military

either

{10 rep 50lb leg curls

10 rep 55-60lb (cant remember the exact number on that machine) leg extensions}

or

{10 rep 45lb leg press

10 rep 45lb toe press}

5 min abs (usually ball transfer crunches or ball obliques)

5 min cardio on stationary bike or elliptical, 2 min warmup, 1 min hard, 2 min cooldown

10 rep 12.5lb overhead straight arm raises

10 rep 37.5lb sitting row

10 rep 15lb bicep

10 rep 15lb tricep

last night is when we had to bump it up, so instead of doing cardio, he had us run 1.5 miles and up either reps or weights...so now im at 20 reps for most of those (not bench), and increased bicep weight to 17.5lb...and i was so tired afterwards. just holding my glass(es) of poweraid was comical because my arms were twitchy...paha

all that exercise in conjunction with eating right is hopefully not gonna make lose weight (i'd disappear if i did...140lb soaking wet), but gain muscle.

and that beautiful creation called monster? he's my best friend on PE days. :) trail mix and/or granola and a monster are usually my pre-PE snack, so i eat it right at 6.15ish for a 7 o'clock PE.

side note: i salute you, mr. random blog reader from germany. idk who you are or how you found my blog, but welcome :)

tough times

yes i do realize that i just made this blog today and im already bringing the fun level down, but i just needed to work through some things, and this post is really important to me...youll see why. youre probably gonna see a side of me that very few people have ever seen. you might laugh at me. but thats ok. and you may cry at this entry. i did when this happened, and yes im man enough to admit it. oh yeah. and this has to do with my faith too. so if that offends you, move on. trolls are unwelcome.

at 1.34am on tuesday, october 4th, 2011, i received one of the most heartbreaking and earth-shattering text message i ever could have received. a friend who means the world to me texted me to say that she had been raped. and she was serious. before this, i thought (as im sure many of you do) that rape was bad. i thought it was terrible and repulsive. but so removed from it that i couldnt really feel the sting of it. i had just a head knowledge. but when i heard that it had happened to a really close friend, it was then that i truly began to understand how horrific it really is. i got a taste of heart knowledge. it was then that my world as i knew it changed instantly.

from 1.45-3am, i dont remember things i said/thought, or what i did. i was shocked. i was hurting for her. i was hating him. i was disgusted with the depth of his depravity. i was scared. i have never felt so heartbroken in my entire life - not even when the second greatest man to have ever lived died a few years ago (my great-uncle gene...when he died, i was absolutely certain of where he was, and that was a place of no more pain and tears). i completely lost my mind. it was then that something completely unfamiliar to me happened. something called a panic attack. never before had this beast bitten me. never again do i want it to. i couldnt feel my hands. i couldnt flex and unflex them. i was freezing. sweating. i grabbed my comforter and wrapped it around me. i was shaking. i was crying semi-uncontrollably. i couldnt breathe. i lost coherence. i felt useless. worthless. knowing i had to do something but unable to do it. knowing at that moment was when i was needed most but was incapable of doing what was necessary. knowing i was alone. knowing that regardless of my goodwill and intentions, when crunch time came, i was powerless to help. i even tried to get my things together and drive to go be with her. but i found that i physically couldnt - even if i could have gotten to the car, i couldnt use my hands, and my vision/mental clarity were nowhere near good enough to drive for the 12-13 hours. and that hurt too. that she was hurting and all i could do was sit and freak out. i tried to be awake and coherent all night so that i could get her next text and figure out how to help. i figured that was the least i could do. but i slipped into the nether realm of unconsciousness sometime after 3. i woke up in the fetal position the next morning.

the next day i couldnt feel anything. just a profound sense of emptiness. i hadnt heard from her, but i knew she had to be hurting. i wanted to still be able to cry, i wanted to still hate him, but i felt so far removed that i couldnt. i just went through the motions of the day. i ate a little. i sat around alot. i was in a mental fog. i prayed harder than i had ever prayed in my entire life. and you know what? i didnt feel any better. this magical charm of prayer that was supposed to give me some "Spirit shivers" or "Biblical buzz" didnt. i felt the same after as before. like God had let me down. like prayer was worthless. that God didnt really care. that He must be cruel. but i was treating it all wrong. i was looking at this from my perspective, and looking at prayer like it was indeed a charm - not the 24hr helpline that it is. i was assuming that my feelings dictated the true state of things. i was focusing on my own perspective instead of thinking about the big picture. just because i didnt "feel" different didnt mean God wasnt working. and i had the opportunity to see that later on.

on tuesday night, i got to talk to my friend. i got to hear how she was doing. i cried again as she told me more of the situation. i sat there not really knowing how to help other than to listen. but i also learned of the intense strength and willpower this girl has. she not only had the strength to tell someone about it, but she is fighting through this and even went to class that night! after spending the entire morning at the hospital! and the police station! she was carrying on with life. her spirit isnt broken. i knew she was strong. but that strong? how amazing is that? clearly her strength isnt from herself. i was able to see that remarkable character that can only be revealed through trials. i dont know that God showed me that because of my prayers, but quite frankly, i dont care. the fact is, He did it. and she's surrounded by people who already loved her, but now she can see that even more clearly.

so the point is, who cares if you see immediate results? and who cares how *you* feel in a situation? just because we feel like horsepoo or that we're totally alone doesnt mean we are! and who are we to underestimate the strength drawn from God? essentially thats like saying "God, i trust you, and i know you can bring me through anything and everything...and You have all power...and that you control everything...but i still need my own strength...because there are things you cant handle"...um...hello?!?! how does that make sense? why is it that we can trust God in the good times, but flounder helplessly in the tough times? i find it odd and slightly ironic that we as Christians are always talking about trusting God in the storms and battles, but at the first sign of trouble, we question Him! why is it that we cant practice what we preach?

in case you were wondering, yes it does still hurt. it hurts alot. this is the worst pain ive ever had to deal with thus far. i am in no way saying that just through prayer all your pain can be taken away or numbed. im simply saying that it connects you to the source of strength. the One who felt more than we could ever possibly feel. yet still stuck through it.

tough times. the times we should run TO God. but the times we automatically run AWAY from God.

re-re-attempting

so...i tried to start a blog a while back. and it failed. and i tried again (for a class) and...same result. so im gonna try one more 'gain. hopefully it wont fail ;)

so breakfast. its good. i had some today...oatmeal, bacon, biscuit with gravy, coffee, and whole milk. breakfast of champions!

and class. i have chem. at 8am. so guess what i normally do in that class? if you said "pay attention and stay awake", you should probably read the first sentence again. i normally sleep!

our shower finally drains now! :) apparently, it gets clogged pretty easy...and we couldnt get it unclogged. so im sure you can imagine the grossness of standing shower water. like...after a 10 minute shower, it took ~30 minutes to drain! maintenance came to fix it, thankfully.

and i cant think of anything more to say. i feel like this is gonna take some getting used to.

[insert something funny and/or inappropriate here]

(all props go to mr phillip for that phrase)